The end of 2011 has prompted some hopeful changes to the Atkinson household.
In mid November we had a positive pregnancy test and we were very excited. We have talked over and over about wanting a large family (well, more than two kids) and we wanted to have our children fairly close together. We headed up to Sacramento for Thanksgiving and told my immediate family the good news. It was early, very early, but we wanted to do it in person. The very next day we began to miscarry. We headed home and visited Urgent Care twice over Thanksgiving weekend. A week later it was all over. As far as miscarriages go, it was pretty simple. Very early. Very 'natural;' even if it doesn't feel natural or normal. We were sad, and still are, but we weren't devastated. I'm not sure why. Every miscarriage and pregnancy is very different for every woman. Emotions and reactions vary. I didn't really lose it until the doctor told us to wait three months to try again. And while I would love to tell you we are pregnant again, we aren't.
This is about the time I wrote my
Not Fair post. I still praise God for not being fair to me.
The miscarriage did, however, start conversations with Kevin and me about what we wanted our family to look like; our desires and ultimately what God wants for our family. We started with talking about our home. In 2008 we bought a large house, of which we probably spent too much money for, and we currently spend close to half of our monthly income on. We bought a (larger) 4 bedroom home for two purposes; to use it for how God would see us serve His church and be hospitable in, and to fill it with children. So the question I kept coming to was, "Was this plan my plan, or God's plan?" We can use anything God gives us to serve Him in. Children (and we) don't need much space. So do we remain in this large home or do I look for something that is a better use of my resources? After praying, and then researching values, and then praying some more, we felt we needed to honor our commitment to our mortgage; we couldn't simply walk away.
We feel we are using our home to serve God's church, but what about point two? We only have one child here and we have two other empty rooms. Kevin and I have talked since we were married about one day adopting children. We believe this is something that God has been working on us about for the past 5 years. We never committed or made an ultimate decision, but people, situations, and the like have come in and out of our lives surrounding adoption. One of the biggest contributors was probably our small group a few years ago. M had been a foster parent for years and years with hundreds of children coming through her home. During that time M, with her husband, has adopted 3 children of her own. Additionally, P and L had had a handful of family members come through their home to stay for an extended time; minors and young adults needing a safe space and a structured home. When Kevin and I first talked about adoption, we talked about raising our own children and then adopting one day. But when we sat down to talk about our family, we want Lily and any other children that come into our home to really feel like a family unit; we don't want an us and them mentality. We believe that we as Christians are called to take care of orphans, and while there are many ways to do that, we feel we need to bring these children into our home permanently.
I think what may have solidified our decision to adopt now was the sermon at our Christmas Eve service at Sandals Church. Our pastor, Matt Brown, spoke about what Christmas means and what things are a part of Christmas. One of the things was family. There were family at the very first Christmas. But family isn't always blood. Matt reminded us that Joseph was not Jesus' father by blood; he was appointed to raise and take care of Jesus while he was on Earth. Family is spiritual. We desire to bring together a family connected spiritually by our love for Christ in our home; blood relation does not make a difference.
We don't feel that the Lord caused this miscarriage, but we do feel he used it to get Kevin and I to address the charge He has given us. We feel that God is telling us that now is the time. So on December 16, we attended an orientation for foster care through the county. Without any question, Kevin and I knew we wanted to bring in children from right here in our own backyard. We see the need around us. We recently submitted our application to the state for a license and now we hurry up and wait.
We know this is quite a process and because we are looking for children who need a permanent home, our wait may be even longer. We probably won't see a child placed in our home in 2012. There are a lot of steps, good steps, to preparing us and our home for a child.
What we ask of you is prayer
- Pray that God continue to prepare us and our hearts for this journey. We know we may experience heartbreak and pain as the goal of a social worker is to reunite children to their families.
- Pray that we recognize and trust His perfect timing for placement.
- Pray that we be flexible when we need to be and yet we stand firm in our faith and to what God has asked of us.
She then crouches in the chair pulling one foot out at a time. 
Unfortunately, this has turned into a sort of game; which I loathe. She climbs up and stands in her chair and asks, "On bum?" To which I reply, "Sit down on your bottom" or "On your bum." If I don't answer right away she asks again . . . and again . . . and again. She will not sit down until I acknowledge her. Today the charade was followed by raspberries and Winne The Pooh.
You must change diapers often. Be sure to ask "poo-poo?"
Toward the end of our time, it looked as if Lily had rolled in the dirt. She was covered in it but was having a blast. I moved along the wall pulling weeds when I heard her start repeating, "A bite. A bite. A bite." As my typical response to her non-stop chatter, I simply said, "Mmm-hmm." I then realized what she was saying to turn around and see her use the shovel as a spoon to taste the dirt she had just dug up.
